Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
