By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We were destined to go to rehab together
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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