I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
