I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
