I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
