I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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