I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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