I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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