My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
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Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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