I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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