ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
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4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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