I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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