True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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