you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
