pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
