The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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