She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My bed smells like the plague
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
