No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
