i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
