Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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