Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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