My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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