Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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