I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize