Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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