idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
it's like iHOP with fire
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
