she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
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do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
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Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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