you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
