I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
