I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
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Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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