Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
