It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
