I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
