Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
