Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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