apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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