the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
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Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
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Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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