I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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