my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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