a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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