Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
