my phone needs a breathalizer
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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