You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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