Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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