Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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