im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
