I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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