I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
