Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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