I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
