I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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