DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
