Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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