dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
