i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
