Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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