dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
